The people who actively find faults in others are the same people who are completely blind to their own. — Kristen Butler
We had an argument again, well it wasn’t the first of it’s kind. And as always, he became def to whatever concerns I had. I did nothing wrong he said, if you didn’t do this, I might not have reacted like that; so it’s your fault, deal with it.
Ga-slighting is what it sounds like now. But a few years ago that word wasn’t in my very expansive dictionary, I blindly drowned in ignorance of the wrong done to me.
When you are in a relationship, arguments are inevitable. Realistically, you have to disagree every now and then about somethings; it’s a tried and proven way to get to know people, their likes, dislikes, temperaments when faced with the heat of the moment.
This theory doesn’t go quite well when dating a defender.
Mr/ Mrs always right. An action, no matter how insignificant always sparks a reaction from them and a fight emerges from what was intended to be a simple harmless conversation.
At first, I thought my approach was wrong, so I tried different ways of sending forth a concern without being rude or overbearing. To my greatest dismay, whatever manner I used brought forth the usual defence mechanism and unnecessary escalation of an issue that could be resolved amicably.
If you can’t have a clear conversation with your significant other without them trying to justify their actions every single time, then it’s no doubt you are entwined with a first-class defender.
It’s normal to try explaining oneself when a crisis arises, however, there’s a manner in which one can “explain” themself that turns the blame towards the other person and brings about a whole new issue.
For some men and women, the never-wrong personality trait is a part of a larger problem: an entire personality organization that is distorted in crucial ways. These individuals may have what clinicians call a personality disorder, and this trait is most common among individuals who have what is known as Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial Personality Disorders, especially) — says Seth Meyers.
Here are a few things to note when dealing with a defender;
1. Decent conversations are far fetched
Everyone loves a mature conversation, but not defenders; especially when the aim is to make them realize what they did wrong. These people are apt at building up walls in any situation that depicts them as the bad guys, no matter how nicely the issue is stated.
Being in a relationship with someone like this is both physically and emotionally draining. You are prone to walk on eggshells each time you have a conversation, most often the real issues are left out for fear of reproach.
Harness the arts of not hitting the nail on the head and twisting the truth if you wish to stay longterm with a defender; being blunt will only get you into an unsolicited fight.
2. Apologies don’t exist
Saying I’m sorry sometimes means an acknowledgement of the wrongdoing, in other cases, it’s just a peace offering aimed at moving past a dispute.
Defenders are usually radical “know it alls”, the word sorry most often seems missing in their vocabulary even when their actions demand it.
With excuses and justifications flying left and right, they have very little time to think about uttering an apology or see reason with why the other person felt mistreated. Why should they? they are never wrong.
Time and again I had to play the “peacekeeper” and do what was needed to end a fight. It became tiring at a certain point being in a relationship with someone who lacked the ability to stand up to their wrongs.
3. There’s always a justifiable reason for their action
An eye for an eye. Defenders seem to have vast insight into this concept and certainly don’t fall short in its execution.
You did this so I retaliated, why should I feel bad about that? you should know better than to act that way. You must be dumb to push me and not expect a reaction. Does this sound familiar?
Defender’s obsession with their perfection and “cause/effect” mentality blinds them to the tinny sense of empathy. There is always a reason for their actions which deletes any reason for you to take offence.
This characteristic is noticeable if we look keenly. Even if those around don’t do this directly to us, it still remains a red flag and should be addressed.
A character flow stretches towards everyone. If they act ruthlessly to others when criticized, they will do the same to you when the opportunity knocks. It’s not the person who did wrong, it’s their character that can’t stand criticism of any kind; constructive or otherwise.
Be keen and if you can, avoid such people.
Thanks for reading
Here’s More From ME:
My Sister Didn’t Like My Ex, and It Was Okay.
“I can do anything I want. Be with anyone I want. And it’ll be my choice.” ― Tahereh Mafi
Red wine is Tasty — But That Wasn’t the Only Reason I Drank it Every Night
There was more to my love for wine than I told.