Defining your relationship!
As a follow up to my previous article Sex-ships Vs Relationships, I felt the need to re-iterate the importance of defining the kind of relationship you are in. This is not just an unnecessarily formal obligation as most people may think, it’s actually a mechanism of protection against disappointments later on; caused by differences in views & expectations.
It is most importantly a time saving technique for those wishing to save time/effort.
Each person you meet defines relationships as per their personal norms, preferences, trends etc; some critically separate the different types of relationships they get into such as “dating”, “basic relationship”, “committed”, “sex-ships” and so on.
Surprised? don’t be, with the rapid change in technology,new trends and thought patterns, it is extremely difficult to assume peoples attitudes and preferences. Thus, it is important to find out how your partner defines relationships, just to make sure you are both on the same lane and no one ends up over or under involved.
Setting things straight, saves you a lot of stress, pressure, mistrust and uncertainty that comes along with not knowing where your efforts are headed; yet giving in your all (which is sometimes not required/appreciated).
It’s definitely awkward to out rightly ask someone “where are we headed?”. Most often we get scared of the person’s reactions; they might think you are insecure, mounting pressure, lack trust and worst case scenario, leave.
“People worry that having these serious conversations may lead to conflict, which can prematurely end the relationship, says psychologist Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at St. Francis College and the author of From First Kiss to Forever.
Good Advice by Jenna BIRCH
Just going with the flow is the new cool, most people enjoy relationships which have little or no strings attached; but is this the best path in the long-run?
The Other Side…
Let’s look at the other side of the coin, isn’t it better to feel hurt, frustrated and even leave earlier enough, than having to waste years; months and even weeks of your life in a relationship you though was long-term, just to realize later on that it was all a sham?
Relationships take time and causes people to expose themselves. Isn’t it safer to tell those tinny secretes of yours to someone who shares the same views with you and plans to stay long term?
Some people even get uncomfortable when you share too much, because it causes them to want to share information with you they don’t feel comfortable telling at that point in time.
Walking away is much easier when they are less memories and most especially little or no physical/emotional connections in-between.
You still having doubts about defining your union? what if I told you traditional dating doesn't really exist in this new age? there are more hookups and one night stands than actual well crafted relationships; and guess what? most people thinks it’s okay and normal! Asking this question will enable you know the kind of person you hand out with and their views on dating.
“The new date is ‘hanging out,’ ” said Denise Hewett, 24, an associate television producer in Manhattan, who is currently developing a show about this frustrating new romantic landscape. As one male friend recently told her: “I don’t like to take girls out. I like to have them join in on what I’m doing — going to an event, a concert.”
New York Times article The End of Courtship better explains the drastic change in the dating scene among millennials.
Worthy of Note!
When getting into such a discussion with your partner, it’s important to study their moods and of course get to a place where you can share your views like adults. Most importantly, remember it’s a negotiation and not a demand to be fulfilled.
Also avoid ultimatums; view the talk as a job interview where you are trying to negotiate your salary, try as much as possible to strike a balance based on mutual interests and benefits. In case your partner doesn't agree with you 100%, take time to analyze and make your decision based on the pros and cons and also based on what you can support.
These definitions are somewhat a work in progress, they may not be 100% positive at the beginning, but with time and the changes in the relationship, views might change for the better.
Defining your relationship doesn’t mean you’re committing to spending the rest of your lives together but what it does mean is that you’re committing to being focused on just them and that you’re exclusive. If a long term commitment comes from it then it does, if it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t. No pressure. Just maturity. I know it can be scary, but life is about taking risks. If you don’t take risks, you’ll never know what you’re missing!
Like I always say, it’s better to hit the iron while it’s still hot, once it starts to harden up, it becomes a whole different level of work to be done. In essence, it’s better to set the rules upfront while there is little or no extra commitment.
I can’t tell you when it’s best to do this, but be rest assured, the SOONER, the BETTER!
Do you think it’s important to define your relationships?