Like every other choleric out there, my work is my life.
Reading a new book, brainstorming on blog articles, watching a relevant video or getting a cup of tea before actually writing something— there’s no doubt my brain thrives on work.
This has pretty much been my life these past few years.
And I loved it! …until the lockdown came with voluntary imprisonment. That is exactly how these past few months felt like:
PRISON, and a dark one at that.
Like most of you, everything in my life seemed controllable before corona. I managed what I could control and the rest went to rest peacefully.
#MoveOn was the watchword.
I never once stopped to critically review my mistakes. I didn’t even realize they were mistakes or I had flaws, to begin with. Thanks to these few months of forceful introspection, I’ve had time to look deep for a bigger understanding of “ME”.
Sharing these things with you isn’t just a process of healing; but also a means to show that we all go through periods of highs and lows.
No need to beat yourself too much about it.
Few things I found out about myself.
1. I Burry pain: and it bites others unknowingly
For three days straight I didn’t feel the need to smile.
If you’ve been there before, you know how bad it can get. I’m a generally happy person.
Nothing felt right. It felt like a dark cloud hovered around my head and no matter how much I tried to brush it off, it only got thicket.
The first morning I woke up to a picture of my dead aunt right in front of me. It had been there for months but for some reason, I really noticed it that morning.
It stared at me sternly from the wall. As if to say “what have you become?”
She was the only one I could talk to about everything. When she died I cried once and that was it. The next day I got back to work as though everything was fine.
Looking at her picture made me realize why I felt so sad. There was so much my heart needed to let it out. It took months of spending time with myself to figure it out.
It was then, after a while of reflection that I realized how arrogant and absent-minded I had been to those around me.
I needed to detox.
I got under my blanket again and cried. Cried about everything I had been holding on to. I’ve never felt so good after crying.
Life seemed lighter.
2. I’m impatient, children drive me crazy
The last two years were amazing. I had an apartment of my own and basically did what I wanted. Life was simple.
No parental control
No family drama
Moving to Canada meant going back to a family setting and most importantly, dealing with children.
I salute all parents! Children are hard work.
They don’t understand the basic theory of order. Even when they do, it seems as though they thrive more in chaos and lawlessness. It was and still is a challenge accepting the stage of childhood. In basic terms, this means:
- Their clothes are thrown on the floor just beside the laundry basket
- Their beds sometimes become springboards.
- They just won’t shut up when I need some quiet time etc.
The first few weeks were painful. I had to learn how to restore order without losing my mind.
I am still learning.
Pray for me!
3. I focus more on work, people come second…sometimes third
There's a difference between living with people and spending time with them.
This was the hardest part of myself I had to come to terms with.
I spent many weeks living with my siblings but hardly made a conscious effort to spend time with them. Like other millennials, I am always on my phone, laptop or locked up somewhere reading a new book.
Not once did I see this as an issue until my kid sister made a conscience piercing remark. Only then did this come to my notice.
I’m making amends.
Thank God for a heart open to counsel and summer. I’ve made a conscious effort to go out with family, maybe watch a movie etc. Spend quality time.
4. I always want things done my way…or the high way
Most people who know me will smile after reading this (I hope none of my exes ever get to read this; they can testify to its validity).
Attached to my impatience for children is my impatience for people as a whole. In a regular world, things have to be done a certain way and people have to act accordingly.
Countless relationships of mine have broken up over this rigid philosophy.
I may not regret every single one of them, but it’s no doubt that there are a few good ones I could work out with just a sip of patience and empathy.
I’m glad I've learned.
I’m way more patient with people now and try to see things from their own point of view.
It’s all part of the lockdown process.
These are the few scary things I learned about myself.
I call them scary because they are the very yardsticks I used to judge others without doing a proper introspection.
Don’t be me.
What has this lockdown revealed to you?
Read more from Moi
The Fun Thing About Falling for Someone Like Yourself
Nothing seems perfect but everything feels right!
My Kid Sister's Attitude Said: You are too African! It’s a Shame.
I grew up in Cameroon, she grew up in Canada; we are different.