When most people are asked why it felt so easy to move swiftly from one relationship to another without any sign of resentment towards their ex or new partner, they have a long list of answers which sound sometimes like….
- My ex was an ass-whole and didn’t deserve my tears.
- I didn’t really love them enough and don’t regret our separation.
- My new spouse treats me with more respect than she ever did.
- They were too materialistic and I couldn't keep up with the demands #thankGodtheygone.
- I knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere in the first place.
- I’ve been here before, so it’s quite easy moving on.
- There’s plenty of fish in the sea, why should I mourn over one tiny one?
- I got fed up and realized I deserve better.
These responses and many more are common when such a questions are presented to those who moved on after a hard separation. To facilitate understanding, what they are saying in essence is;
I got into the relationship with an open mind
“When reality doesn’t match up to the image, friction happens and pain occurs.” Kris Gage
One of the major reasons we break down after an unexpected separation is because we become so attached to the other person and have pre-conceived ideas of how the relationship should turn out. When these expectations are not met, we become bitter and resentful with ourselves, our previous partner and most often the next “innocent” person we meet.
However, open minded people see the separation as a necessary evil, which allows them to get into another phase in life, either with someone else or alone. They don’t regret their time spent, rather, they accept their fate and move on with renewed hope, anxious to see what else life has in store.
Extreme attachment is the recipe for an unhappy life. Be grateful for the people you meet and the time you spend, but don’t expect more from people than they can willingly offer.
I am emotionally stable
An emotionally stable person has the ability to remain calm and balanced even after a tragic situation.
Those who easily move on after devastation heartbreaks show a high level of emotional stability and can easily handle unpleasant situations. They accept what has happened, find a way to move past it and keep living life to it’s fullest.
It is believed that such people never take anything seriously reason why it feels so easy to let go and dive into something new. However the truth is they have the ability to stay calm in a situation where others have a high tendency to scream and shout.
Emotionally unstable people are a reverse of the later and most often breakdown after a heartbreak, not because they were more hurt than others, but rather, they haven’t learned how to effectively master their emotions.
They react aggressively to adverse situations be it a sad separation, the death of a loved one, a poor test score or their cub cake falling to the ground; they generally have little or no mastery of their emotion; they become frustrated and sometimes aggressive when their desires are not met.
Emotionally unstable people find it difficult accepting rejection, loss, pain and any other inauspicious situation in life. That’s why walking away happy peacefully and sane after an awful heartbreak becomes a nightmare to many.
My input into the relationship was an act of kindness not an investment
This point is usually the main reason we cry over our dear “spilled milk” ^_^.
Some relationships are looked upon like investments that demand an interests at a point in time, rather than an act of connecting and sharing with someone you care deeply about.
when the “expected interest” is not paid, most people feel angry, mistreated or extorted physically, emotionally and otherwise. People who move on after heat breaks view relationships as an experience rather than an investment, Whatever was shared or given was free and required no payback, they enjoy the process and learn what life has to teach them through it.
Note however that a relationship where one person does all the giving and receives nothing is in return is extremely draining. If you decide to be in a relationship with anyone, add value to them no matter how small. No one appreciates a leach, leaching relationships hardly end in good tides.
Most people who move on happily after sad breakups usually don’t expect a return on their investments (time, money, moral support etc) from relationships.
My spirit is a forgiving one
Forgiveness is a rare virtue and only the wise and noble at heart seek it’s face daily.
Contrary to popular beliefs that forgiveness is reserved for the frail and cowardly, this virtue is as rare and mostly possessed by the bravest of hearts.
It takes courage and a heart of gold uncommon to many people to let go the evil men bestow upon us. Man has the tendency to pay back and eye for an eye, we fight to reclaim our honor by biting the mouth that bit us; but this time harder than they were bit.
Ask anyone who has experienced excruciating pain and he will tell you it is 100 times more difficult to walk away than to retaliate.
“True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment” David Ridge
Cultivating a true and pure forgiving spirit takes time, energy and constant practice. Practicing forgiveness however starts from the basic thing such as not responding to an insult, greeting the person who constantly gossips about you, offering food to a troublesome neighbor.
start with these little things and build them up. In less than no time you will be able to look through the window of anger and find no one home,
A wise man once said truly powerful people are those who forgave those who wronged them and accepted apologies they never received; for honor belongs to the man who walks away even when he has the power to fight back!
My self-esteem is in tact!
Being confident within and without is a far fetched dream for some people, reason why they cling to who or whatever they believe can become the source of their joy and security.
Those with low self esteem often need someone to validate them, make them feel secure and important. They are attached to someone or something because of the level of confidence and assurance it gives them.
They don’t believe they are beautiful enough, tall enough, smart enough, strong enough, rich enough and the list goes on… they often find those they believe can complete their deficiencies and cling to them.
“Self respect, self love and self worth all start from self, stop looking outside of yourself for your value” Rob Liano
When you are aware of who you are as a person and don’t need validation from anyone to feel relevant, it’s easy for you to maintain your calm and assurance no matter what.
Why? because you have the conviction you are special, relevant and have the ability to walk past the issue no matter how degrading it may be, while maintaining your status as a beautiful, smart and secure individual.
I’m not in need of a financial savior!
There’s a saying that goes “money is the root of all evil”, I will like to sweeten it up and say “the lack of money is the initiator of unhealthy dependency”.
Being financially stable is important for men and women alike. Not only does this give you the ability to take care of your needs, it also gives you confidence and reduces your level of dependency on others.
Not being able to take care of yourself has adverse effects and hanging unto an emotionally, physically or mentally unhealthy relationship is one.When your are financially secured, you still feel excited about experiencing life and tending to your needs with or without a spouse.
Most people cry over relationships because of the secret material and financial assistance they get from it. Any relationship created out of need it built on a weak foundation that will eventually fall; the day it does, the one in need becomes helpless, distressed and most often angry.
Moving on from a relationship is much easier when your are financially secured and can still experience the good things of life on your own without having to worry about who covers the cost.
I am not infected with the “I have to date” syndrome
This is an extremely common syndrome and those who have it don’t think they do, it affects people of all ages.
The have to date syndrome is the feeling you always need to be in a relationship or have a muse whom you can show off as a trophy to your friends. Those with is syndrome do it for various reasons including the need to feel relevant, peer pressure, loneliness, prestige etc.
Such a behavior of always having someone by your side to cuddle isn’t a bad. However, if you need to date because you believe a significant other will fill a void and make you a better person, then you are trading down the wrong path.
You are indirectly an emotional parasite be it knowingly or otherwise and this might fall back on you in case your partner leaves and it’s hard finding a suitable replacement.
If you can’t feel fulfilled and happy on your own, you don’t need someone else for validation, all you need is more time with yourself.
Thanks for reading, this are just my crazy thoughts, if you found anything meaningful, please don’t forget to give up some claps.